Tired.

I’m too tired to write much of anything, and I don’t have much to say — my mind is completely occupied with Scrappy. She slept on my head last night and we cuddled a lot, so I think we’re both comforted that we’re saying goodbye with love. She’s still here, still eating, but we will take her when she tells us it’s time to go.

Kind friends who know how much we love her have suggested all sorts of things including a second opinion, but if you could see her you would know, too. She has lost so much weight in the past six weeks — almost 4 pounds — and her eye is basically gone. We kept putting medicine on it and it didn’t help, and now it’s just shut. Her sweet little face is swollen on one side. She looks dazed, and I know she’s confused. When we pick her up she’s a light little rag doll, no resistance. I know we should take her in sooner rather than later, but it’s so hard to give her up, and give up the hope of a miracle. Still, she seems comfortable, just drugged out and tired, too.

Looking back at these blog posts, it’s all so SAD. I stopped writing when I was at the height of utter heartache, but I swear, life isn’t so sad, not all the time. But right now, I’m back with my old friend grief, the too familiar feeling of a stone in my chest and tears just behind my eyelids, ready to spill. The thoughts of last-times and what-ifs.

I’ve read a lot of articles about grief in the past 3 years, and one that resonated is that you don’t get over anything, you get through it and just have to acknowledge the pain and sit with it. So even though she’s not gone yet, I’m already sitting with it. It’s all I can and want to do.

And here is Scrappy from three years ago, comforting me while I was sitting with the pain right after my mom died. She has been such a good little friend, and I will miss her so much. Which is why I’m going to shut this down and go sit near her and tell her, again and again and again, how much I love her.

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Kiss your little furry friends tonight for Scrappy and me.

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